I haven't updated this in a long while. I'm sorry I suck.

I have to go get my hair done now, and then I have class until 8. So I'll update this later!!

Adios mi amigos!

So I started back at University yesterday. I didn't go to my first class cause I got told it was tutorials and it turned out it wasn't!! Oh it wasn't good! I went to my second class though "Cultures of the War on Terror" it is really interesting. We talked all about 9/11 and George Bush's reaction to it etc. I'm going to enjoy that class, even if it is a lot of work!!

I'm quite sick at the moment. I have a mild chest infection, but apparently my chest is clear so the doctor didn't give me antibiotics, he just gave me a prescription for an inhaler because I'm slightly asthmatic and this is making it worse. It's been helping, but everytime I cough it's like someone is setting fire to my chest. I've hardly got an appetite and I haven't been going out, because any time I walk anywhere I get really out of breath. It blows. I need to get better for this weekend!!

My mum is taking me away for a Spa weekend in LLandudno (Wales) for my birthday present off her and dad. I am so excited for it! I need a break seriously!! And some lovely spa time is going to be MAGIC.

I can't believe I'm going to be 21 on Monday! It's so exciting but scary at the same time! I'm going to be an actual grown up haha. I know that sounds really young minded, but I'm allowed to be young minded and now suddenly I've gotta grow up! It's a lot to get used to.

I have my dissertation to do today, I do not want to do it at all. I've got quite a few books out, but I feel no inspiration to write it at all. But it HAS to get done or I'm in bigggg trouble. Eeep!

I'm going to Barcelona in a couple of weeks with my friends for 4 days. It's going to be SO much fun!! I hope the weather is good and that we get to go the beach for the day. That's all I ask for!! A little beach action!! -cough cough- Ugh!

I also have to clean my room today, its a complete mess, some major laundry needs to get done too!! Me and Makeeta are going to clean the kitchen too, because it's just not a nice place to be, bleugh!!

I'm supposed to be going the Cinema today but I don't know who with! Because several people have asked me to go, and they all want to see different things at different times. Makeeta wants me to go see Slamdog Millionaire at 4.30. Hannah wants us to go see Deliverance later on in the evening. But I don't want to go see any of those movies!! I want to go see the new Underworld movie! So I'll see. Woo hoo for Orange Wednesdays ey?

I love Seether's cover of "Careless Whisper" I can't stop listening to it :D

So I was thinking, when you've been in love with someone, I guess it never really goes away and that you'll be there waiting for them whenever they need you. I'm in that position...forever.

Okay well time to go be productive!!!

Where do the days go?!

Today is Wednesday anddd I don't even remember much of Mon and Tues! Well I know what I did, but they just go past so quickly. Tomorrow is Seether in Manchester, if anyone is excited it'd be me!!! I've already decided what to wear and everything haha. It's going to be SO freaking awesome I can tell you!!

I thought I'd make this a picture post, from what we got up to last friday in Mosh.

















I get to watch Seether tomorrow. WOO HOO

Life is still good!!

I've had the best week so far. Monday I actually don't remember what I did on Monday... It probably involved something to do with Makeeta lol. Jeez my memory is bad!!
Then yesterday I got a really awesome book sent in the post off Lukasz. It's called 'Man's search for meaning'. Basically a book written by a guy who was in the concentration camps in Poland. Thankfully, he survived and now writes about how to find meaning in suffering and how to overcome the pain to find something joyus from it. It's such a fantastic book.
Then I had dinner with Kaj, Henri, Keets, Hannah, Mike and Megan. We went to Varsity and because I didn't have my ID on me, the guy wouldn't let me stay, so I had to walk alll the way back home to get my ID then come back. I'd pretty much powerwalked the whole way, so I was in a cold sweat when I got back, but I was in a good mood, so it was fine. Then we had some yummy food and went to the pub!!
Which I swear was the most fun!! We played a card game and it was so crazy!! It involved not answering people's questions, not saying people's real names, not going to the bathroom haha. I kinda cheated on that one, because i realllly needed to go, and didn't have the bathroom card!!
Kaj and Henri were teaching me more Finnish, I was proud of myself :D I'm picking it up really quickly, and apparently my pronounciations are really good too. Kaj is going to give me lessons and then I'm going to make a little scrap book for when I go to Finland =]
It was great for Kaj and Henri because a Finnish student came into the pub!! He'd only been here a week, so we made him feel very welcome =] I guess he thought I was very welcoming because he told Kaj that I was confident and friendly and that I had beautiful eyes!! My eyes are only focused on one Finnish boy =] Shhhh ;-]

Today I'm going to see Twilight AGAIN!! Hannah hasn't seen it yet, so me, megan and hannah are all going to see it later. Then we're going to dinner AGAIN with the same bunch as yesterday but also with Walter and a Finnish girl. (I will admit, I'm hoping she isn't pretty with the personality of a pen lol). Okay i'm a bit jealous lol. Thennnn me and Kaj are going to have our movie marathon at his house. Yay!

Tomorrow is tattoo day woo hooo!!!!

"Mulle kuuluu hyvaa"

I am utterly happy.
I feel SO good about this year, that everything will work out, and that I can stay on top.
Near the end of 2008 it sucked. America didn't for sure, but a lot of stuff weighed me down and now all that stuff has gone =]

I can make my own choices, handle anything and be anything that I want to be. I just need to stay positive. I am so much more than I give myself credit for. Now is the time to shine and be noticed and be me. =]

I'm getting another tattoo done next week. It's going to be incorporated on the stars and heart already on my arm. It's going to be candy love hearts with little stars all around :D

I'm going to see Twilight later with Kaj, Henri and Keets, I'm super excited about seeing the boys AND Edward Cullen ;-)

So I've been sat here trying to think of something to write... I have a lot I want to put on here, I just don't know how to form it into sentences.
I guess it simply comes down to the fact that I'm totally and utterly lost and have been for a long time now. It's like I'm waiting for a switch to go off in my head, yet it still hasn't, so I'm waiting idly by hoping it'll bless me with its presence.

I'm in way over my head with my University work. I have so many books to read that I really don't think I can manage. For this holiday break alone I have 2 essays to do. One is 3000 words the other is 2000. I have to revise for an exam and write a presentation report. Plus read the books for those essays. I feel like I'm on the brink of a break down haha. I'm not academic, sure I love to read and I love to learn, but in my own time, with my own interests. But I have books to read for classes and then books to read for essays and my dissertation. I actually want to cry. No.. I want to run away. Far far away. I can feel the pressure from work and the closeness of me ending University pressing down on me, and making it hard for me to breathe.

Sometimes I feel like I have so much bad energy surrounding me, weighing me down. Sure I'm not blameless I'm not always smiles and happiness. But I feel as though sometimes if I want to do something or think something. I've always got one friend that I know will always tell me something negative about it. And tell me that I'm wrong to think these things and I should do it their way. You don't know how draining this is. To never be able to tell them something, because you know they'll shoot it down. I need to rethink that friendship and possibly put an end to it. I feel like I'm giving and not getting much back, but I don't have much left to give...

The biggest issue I have right now, that is actually worrying me, is that I don't feel like I have God in my life anymore. He does not feel present. I don't know how it's happened. He was there guiding me, helping me, and now nothing. I do not feel Him ever. I've prayed about it so many times, and feel like I get no response. Like He doesn't want me to find Him or have Him in my life. I need Him. I love Him. But He is nowhere.

On a more positive note. Mine and Kaj's friendship has gotten so good. We're super close now, despite the face that he's back in Finland for christmas. It's not long until he comes back now!! I cannot wait to see him. He's awesome!!



I also realllllllllllly want this phone!!

My beautiful Michigan girls!





Most of the international group.




Gary and I.




Kissy kissy with my wife <3 haha




Me and Kaj




Me and Will




Party people!




The time Alex came to visit!




Jordan from New Found Glory!




Bonfire night!




Some of the gang




AMSTERDAM!




The pub people!




Me and the HOTTEST GUY EVER!!




At Sarah's house!




Running from the ocean




The internationals <3



EMUUUU

Yeah NEVER gona happen :)

This weekend was pretty awesome. And this week is going to be even better.

Oh Christmas Spirit. I do love you.

These past few months have been so crazy. I've had/have soooo much school work to do, that I don't even know where to start it. I've had many many downs living in this house, but now so many ups. It's like my life has become a whirlwind and I have no clue where I'm going with it! haha.
But I am very thankful for the friends that have pulled me through and just been with me this whole time. Sometimes I think I'm the worst friend somebody could have because of the amount of people i've fallen out with. But then I think to myself, well no, that's not neccessarily true. It just means that some people weren't meant to be friends, and that University just pulls us all together and we go with that. I've been friends with Jenn and Kirsty for 2 years now, and we're even thinking of moving in together after university. I've never fallen out with them, which is just fantastic. I've fallen out with Sarah, but now our friendship is like a rock. It's all just a learning process that i'm very happy to be riding. I want to learn more, I want to become more, and I want to be more for other people. I want to be the greatest person that I can be. And I don't think I'll get there without friends or family backing me.

Today is going to consist of tidying my room AGAIN! (I swear I don't even understand why it gets so messy) Then doing some reading for homework, doing my piles of laundry, then going to a spinning class with Jenn. And then tonight I'm going to a sleepover at Jenn and Kirsty's!! Which I'm realllly excited about :D I've not been to a sleepover in absolutely ages!! So this is going to be so much fun!! :D

There's plenty of space for me
In the back of your car
I can move all your things around
Was standing alone
On the side of the road
Till I saw your headlights catch me

I keep to myself on the ride
Trying hard to hide
All the dirt that covers me
You only can hide who you are
If you don't care
Where you're going anyway

I don't wanna be
Who I was back then
I almost lost you again
I don't wanna see through the eyes of a liar
Hold the door for me

I set them on fire back then
They didn't know what hit them
It's always the ones
You never suspect
Don't wanna accept
What I've become

I don't wanna be
Who I was back then
I almost lost you again
I don't wanna see through the eyes of a liar
Hold the door for me

I don't wanna be
Who I was back then
I almost lost you again
I don't wanna see through the eyes of a liar
Hold the door for me

Don't wanna take the wheel from you
Just keep on driving
Keep on driving
Just tell me what you want me to do
Just keep on driving
Keep on driving

I don't wanna be
Who I was back then
I almost lost you

I don't wanna be
Who I was back then
I almost lost you

I don't wanna be
Who I was back then
I almost lost you again
I don't wanna see through the eyes of a liar
Hold the door for me

I don't wanna be
Who I was back then
I almost lost you again
I don't wanna see through the eyes of a liar
Hold the door for me

I don't wanna be
Who I was back then
I almost lost you again
I don't wanna see through the eyes of a liar
Hold the door for me

Hold the door for me
For me

I'm pretty much confused about my whole life at the moment.
I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I feel so unsatisfied about EVERYTHING.
I don't have the motivation to do any of the things I need to do.
I just want to move away.
I also noticed that I use 'I' in everything I've just said. Why is it always about me me me? When did I get so selfish?

I don't know if I have this whole "life" thing down anymore.
I know exactly what I want, and it doesn't require anything that I do have in my life right now.
I'm ready to move on.

I'm starting to realise that I like someone else. Another tricky situation. But this time round I'll make sure it works, because I know he's willing to put in the effort too. At least I hope.

I've had the most awesome 3 days, with family and some friends. I am so grateful that they are in my life.
I don't feel as though I want to go back to Derby. Atleast not yet.

"Do you have a boyfriend?"
Whats one of those?


Life consists of: university. books. internet. friends. tuesday nights at The Royal. working at The Royal. Music. America. money. mosh. cleaning. learning. constantly learning.

Does this sum it up?

This past week has been pretty crazy, what with starting back at university.
Lessons are going okay, but I have soooooo much work to do for it!! I have to do some reading today, and I have to write a piece of work for tuesday.
I've been having fun too though, seeing my friends as much as possible. Even though I've been pretty ill recently. I love hanging out with Kirsty and Jenn. I feel so comfortable and at home with them. It's a shame I'm not living with them really. I guess I'll just have to visit them as much as possible! Haha.

On tuesday I went to 'The Royal' to see a member of Funeral For A Friend do a DJ set. It was pretty good. I loved hanging out with my friends, and I got to see Ben and Frank, whom I haven't seen in a long time. So that was nice.

My friend Megan from EMU is over here for the year now. Which is so awesome! I haven't hung out with her yet, butttt I'm going to get her number of a guy in my class, so I can get in touch with her =]

I've spoken to a few friends from America on the phone. I called Brian and Kim last night, and it was so amazing to hear from them. They're so encouraging to me, and I love them so much. Then Andrew surprised me with a call. Which pretty much made my life! Haha.

There isn't much to report on the love front. Nothing has gone on at all haha. I've seen a few guys who I think are cute, but thats as far as it goes. But who cares ey? I am so in love with God at this point in my life, that I don't need to be with anyone. I want to focus on my faith and myself for a little while.

My life is so great. And I want to cherish it.

A friend said something the other day that I'm holding close to my heart, and following dearly.
"Live the dream, don't dream the life".

I find pictures say just the right amount of words.




Ciao!

I love these lyrics.

I'm thinking 'bout other things I heard about today
All this week and tomorrow
And how these hands can create some better things for bettering
but you see for now I got my own things
I can't help it
I got too many issues I own
So I cannot help I'm afraid, yeah
But keep on preaching, preaching and heal the world
Lip service makes us look great

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things I guess

I guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
Sometimes I convince myself
that all is fine in the world
It's not mine
Why should I
have to try
to fix things I didn't create or contrive

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have so many things

Have the habits
Had you
Has it been for long
Can you feel the souls behind what's going on

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Cause we all have so many things
And I can get past these things

Ohh

Today I enrolled at university, which means my student loan will soon be on it's way. Yay!
I have a job interview saturday morning. Whoop!
And for a whole 2 minutes I got to speak to Andrew on the phone. That voice pretty much made my life. He is so so cute! Especially with that American accent! Yummy!!

Now all I gotta do is pay my rent and get some uni stuff! Boo =[

Last night was a bit rough because I saw Adam for the first time in 9 months. But i'm over that now. I have so much more than him :D


(I did not take this. I just like it.)

God works in the most wonderful and mysterious ways.

This guy probably gives me more inspiration and love in my little pinky than you probably get in your entire body.



I'm so glad we're friends.

I long for what I cannot have.

Oh how badly I want to be in love and love in return.
<3

Well I'm now a worker of the rock club 'Mosh' anddd I hate it haha.
I don't think i'm a work in a club type of person. I would much rather work in a pub. But saying that I want a DAY JOB! lol. I want to work normal hours like everyone else. I want to work in a shop. I think a shop would be fun =]
I'd much rather not have to deal with drunk people, it'd make my life.

Have you ever had something that you know is good for you, but you'd prefer something else? Like vegetables, you know you should have them because they're good for you, but you'd much prefer a big bar of chocolate. lol. Even though you know this chocolate is bad for you, and most likely going to make you sick. You still want it, because its so much more exciting than the vegetables.
But now a days we can get vegetables that taste like chocolate, so maybe some vegetables are good for us AND we enjoy them. Yeah. I like that.

Just sometimes that bite of chocolate is so much sweeter =]